A Kiss is Still a Kiss
by Nomad1
Summary: Dorian has a plan. Klaus is difficult, as usual.


**Notes**: Written for vassalady for Yuletide 2019.

**A Kiss is Still a Kiss**

"You know, Major, this really isn't quite what I had in mind when I said I'd imagined seeing you in handcuffs." For a start, Dorian would definitely have envisioned having his own hands free. Being uncomfortably tethered to the pipework above his head by a matching pair of cuffs made the tantalising vision in front of him more of a tease than he preferred.

Klaus fumed at him rather attractively from the opposite side of the boiler room. "This is all your fault, you thieving degenerate! I had Fournier in my sights before you interfered."

"And I would hardly have been here at all if you hadn't sent your men to tramp all over the warehouse that my contacts were using," he said indignantly. An unfortunate mix-up involving two sets of crates stashed in different rooms of the same abandoned factory had led to their current predicament when the Major swooped in on the wrong sneaking figure moments before his true target arrived.

Dorian's men, alas, were currently tied up a bit less literally on a mission to distract Klaus's hapless Alphabets, meaning neither set of underlings were likely to find them here anytime soon. And while there was certainly some appeal in watching Klaus work up a sweat doing impressive but futile pull-ups to try to get at the cuffs, his own arms were definitely beginning to ache. The old pipes were rusty but extremely sturdy, and neither they nor the handcuffs seemed likely to give out even under the Major's prodigious strength.

Fortunately, there was an alternative.

Less fortunately, it was going to require some cooperation from his fellow prisoner. Dorian abandoned the junction box that he'd been resting against and began working his way across the room. They'd chained him to a horizontal pipe that allowed him some freedom of movement, but it involved an awkward process of hauling himself up to free the cuffs from every obstacle that snagged them along the way.

The Major regarded his approach with far greater alarm than he had being captured by an arms dealer's thugs. "Stay up your own end!" He pressed back against the wall, but unlike Dorian he had nowhere to go. Fournier's men had clearly considered him the greater threat, and been sure to fix his cuffs around a corner pipe that gave him little room to manoeuvre.

He still had his legs free, however, and could undoubtedly deliver a kick like a mule if he was so inclined, which he usually was. "I have a plan," Dorian said hastily.

"That's what I'm afraid of!" He raised a knee threateningly as Dorian reached the bend in the pipe that was as close as he could get.

Did it not get tiresome, being so paranoid? "Believe me, Major, I wouldn't be relying on your help to get free if I had any choice," he said. Partly because he knew how difficult it was to secure, and partly because, yes, the idea of gaining the upper hand and finding out how much Klaus was prepared to bargain for his freedom _was_ rather delicious. "But it will take both of us if this is going to work."

Klaus narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Explain," he barked, as if Dorian was one of his men. A little forcefulness in life certainly didn't go amiss, but someone really ought to teach the man the art of gentle seduction.

Dorian eyeballed the gap left between them. They were close enough to share a kiss if they both leaned forward, though sadly the kick was far more likely. Yes, this ought to work... "I have a hairpin I can use as a lockpick, but I'll require your help to bend it." The usual plan of doing so against the floor or a wall was somewhat thwarted by having his hands anchored above his head.

Besides, this way was much more fun.

Klaus scoffed as Dorian turned his head to retrieve the pin from his curls with his teeth. "They should revoke your Earldom, you disreputable fop," he said. Dorian was unclear whether it was the tools of the thief trade or men wearing hairpins that he found so objectionable, though knowing him it was probably both. How the man kept his hair so gloriously glossy with his ghastly spartan affair of a haircare routine remained one of the mysteries of the ages.

Anyway, he could have argued that being a disreputable fop was entirely in keeping with the English tradition, if his mouth hadn't been occupied with gripping the pin. He leaned forward to proffer it, and Klaus reared back as he realised exactly what was going to be required of him. "You foul- perverted-" He spluttered, clearly at a loss for a suitable insult from his extensive repertoire.

Well, really, how had he expected they were going to bend the thing between them if not by each taking an end in their teeth? "Mmm!" Dorian said insistently around the hairpin.

"Mm-hmm!" Klaus replied with an insistent shake of his head, clamping his mouth firmly shut as if Dorian might otherwise teleport across the distance between them.

"Mm-_mmm_!" He jerked his head towards the boiler room door, gesturing pointedly in the direction of Fournier and the world beyond.

For the Major, of course, duty always won out. He visibly steeled himself before leaning forward with enchanting timidity to grasp the other side of the extended pin in his teeth. There was a tantalising brush of lips...

And then Klaus wrenched the thing away with enough force that Dorian considered himself lucky not to lose a lip in the process. He blinked with startled eyes. Gracious, was that what he was like in the bedroom? Perhaps he was going to need even more educating in such matters than Dorian had guessed. "You know, Major, there's a place for acting like a wild animal, but there's such a thing as taking it too far," he said.

Klaus would no doubt have had plenty to say in return if he wasn't now in danger of dropping the pin himself. He settled for a fierce glower instead.

Dorian smiled smugly in return. "Yes, well, Major, if you want to get out of here, you're still going to need me to help you bend-" Instead, Klaus hauled himself up by the strength of his arms and bent the pin against the pipe before transferring to one of his cuffed hands.

As a display of physical prowess, it would have been much more enjoyable to watch if it hadn't been ruining his fun. He pouted a little. "Well, all right, but nonetheless it takes a certain degree of expertise to pick this kind of lock without being able to see-"

The lock opened with a click and the chain of the handcuffs slithered down from the pipe as Klaus dropped to the ground. He didn't even have the decency to stretch and wince a bit as he shook them out, like any normal human being.

Dorian had a definite sense of foreboding. "Spectacular, Major. I'd applaud, but unfortunately my hands are a little tied up right now, so if you'd care to release me..."

Klaus stalked towards the door and slammed it open, the impact echoing in the empty basement. Dorian craned to see past him as he stepped out into the corridor. "Well, it looks like Fournier's men have gone, so now if you just come back and- Major! Oh, come on now. Major, wait! Major!"

All things considered, it was probably just as well he had another hairpin.

* * *

Freeing himself from the cuffs took some awkward gymnastic work that Dorian would prefer not to have to repeat. His escapades might have given him plenty of experience in dealing with tight situations, but his arms were already sore from hanging, and he didn't have Klaus's impressive upper body strength. He was quite red in the face and unnecessarily dishevelled by the time he left the boiler room.

Really, why did the Major always have to find a way to suck all the _fun_ out of things?

Still, perhaps something of the night's events could yet be rescued. A thug like Fournier would surely have no eye for valuable artworks, and he had his own smuggled goods to retrieve. The crates that had caused the mix-up should still be waiting where his contact had left them, just through that archw-

"Ha!" Klaus stepped out of the shadows to meet him, causing Dorian to yelp in startlement. "Not so fast. These are going back to Madame Meunier's collection."

Shouldn't he be off somewhere chasing his man? "Now, Major, this is really just vindictive." That dreadful woman had even less appreciation for priceless works of art than the Major himself. At least he had the decency to just ignore them instead of displaying them in garish brightly coloured frames to 'give them a little more pizzazz'. "And after I helped you escape, too."

The Major gave a fearsome scowl. "You took advantage of the situation!"

"Hardly." It wasn't as if he'd had much chance. "Are you that afraid of one little liplock?"

"That was not a kiss!" Klaus bellowed at thunderous volume.

"Oh, I quite agree," Dorian said.

He narrowed his eyes in baffled suspicion. "Good," he said warily.

"_This_ is a kiss." He stepped forward and grabbed the Major by the collar to plant one on him.

For a moment he could swear those firm lips melted under his, though Klaus's hands stayed rigid by his sides. Oh, well, baby steps. The Major still stood frozen, poleaxed, as he stepped away, and Dorian decided it was best to retreat from the scene before the paralysis broke. "Until we meet again, Major!"

He fled the building.

At least he'd stolen one thing successfully tonight.


End file.
